Matt's House, Boulevard, Hull, June 2018
I thought I’d done this.
I thought I’d already done this,
Twenty years ago, ten years, four,
I’ve been here before.
I thought those times
Of ground giving way
And all the falling
Had been enough.
Would be enough by now.
All the brave work had been done.
The walking into the fury
And letting it do its thing.
But still it persists.
This crashing down
All this crying, crying, crying.
These griefs still making themselves known,
Crawling out of crevasses
And suddenly looming large,
Taking up space.
These weird jack-in-the-box moments
When the least likely thing
Triggers a memory
And then PING! out it all comes,
Displacing time as if it’s now,
As if it’s all happening now.
And all those locked-up feelings
Are screaming.
I can feel the strain of it all
When I touch my arm
Like the blood underneath is fizzing
Like there’s an electrical current
Quietly whizzing round me.
I’m walking around raw
Wanting nothing more
Than to ignore what’s happening
And just do what I’ve always done,
Get on.
Side-step it all by spinning into activity
Or lying low til I can gather
Enough strength and guile
To get out there again
And grit it out.
Always this feeling of exposure
Of not being protected
Of having to stand alone
Not knowing, really, where’s home.
So easier to keep moving,
Safer not to keep still.
Less painful by far
To remain unsettled
To not stop
Not let the guard drop
To stay on top
And just let the smiley me be seen
The likeable, laughable
Lovely to be around, me.
But the perfect storm has hit, it seems
And there’s no way out of it.
All I can do is weather the waves
And just walk straight into it.
Straight into the fury and the fears,
All the unwept tears
And revel in it.
Why not?
Why not rail at it spectacularly?
Why not just abandon myself to it
And let it do its thing.
To be continued………….